Is it possible to fail at finding your own happiness? I never thought it was until I realized I had done it. I moved to San Francisco, found a job, enrolled in school and tried to make a little life for myself about a year ago and have yet to accomplish anything that could make me happy. An entire year and I have nothing to show for it. I don’t feel like I fit in here, or anywhere. I feel like no one understands me or what I’m about and no one cares enough to even try. I’ve been used countless times by people who I thought at least cared enough about me not to do such a thing. Apparently I’m only as good as my car and I’m only good enough to date until someone else comes along. I’m also a great friend to go to the store with and chat with at lunch, but when anything else rolls around I’m just the friend you put on the back burner. This is not how my life was and is not how I intended it to be. My kindness has been taken for weakness and it makes me wonder why I ever left home and left amazing people who genuinely enjoyed me and the person I was. My heart is broken and the pieces are scattered all over San Francisco. Every time I get back up from a disaster and think I’m okay I just get knocked down again. I don’t deserve to feel upset and useless; I am not.
Don’t get me wrong, over the last year I have learned a lot. I know that I can survive; I can find a place to live, find a grocery store, find a job and meet people who give great directions. But with that I have lost something within myself and don’t feel like the same person I once was. I’m used to doing things on my own and am ok with figuring things out and being alone but I’m not used to being a lonely person and that is exactly what I’ve become.
So I have five days to figure out if I’m going to give my lonely miserable life another try or if I am going to pick everything up and move back down to southern California. Staying means that I’m enrolled in the fall semester, I prove to everyone that I can hack it and I shut up and wait until my lease is up. It also means that I remain miserable and fall deeper into the skin of someone I’m not. Leaving, on the other hand, means that I failed miserably at something I desperately wanted for myself. Leaving means that I go home and face everyone I love and who loves me and supported me and show them that I couldn’t do it; that I’m weak and have become something less than they remember me as. It also means going back to the same place as a different person and I have no idea how I am going to deal with that. It also mean a possible clean start and a chance at figuring myself out. It may also mean finding peace within myself and not feeling empty anymore.
The next few days will prove to be daunting for me. I have no idea what I am going to do or how I am going to do it. Whatever decision I make will be accompanied by difficulty. I realize that either way I am going to lose a lot before I can win anything.
