What happened to my persuit of happiness?

Is it possible to fail at finding your own happiness? I never thought it was until I realized I had done it. I moved to San Francisco, found a job, enrolled in school and tried to make a little life for myself about a year ago and have yet to accomplish anything that could make me happy. An entire year and I have nothing to show for it. I don’t feel like I fit in here, or anywhere. I feel like no one understands me or what I’m about and no one cares enough to even try. I’ve been used countless times by people who I thought at least cared enough about me not to do such a thing. Apparently I’m only as good as my car and I’m only good enough to date until someone else comes along. I’m also a great friend to go to the store with and chat with at lunch, but when anything else rolls around I’m just the friend you put on the back burner. This is not how my life was and is not how I intended it to be. My kindness has been taken for weakness and it makes me wonder why I ever left home and left amazing people who genuinely enjoyed me and the person I was. My heart is broken and the pieces are scattered all over San Francisco. Every time I get back up from a disaster and think I’m okay I just get knocked down again. I don’t deserve to feel upset and useless; I am not.

Don’t get me wrong, over the last year I have learned a lot. I know that I can survive; I can find a place to live, find a grocery store, find a job and meet people who give great directions. But with that I have lost something within myself and don’t feel like the same person I once was. I’m used to doing things on my own and am ok with figuring things out and being alone but I’m not used to being a lonely person and that is exactly what I’ve become.

So I have five days to figure out if I’m going to give my lonely miserable life another try or if I am going to pick everything up and move back down to southern California. Staying means that I’m enrolled in the fall semester, I prove to everyone that I can hack it and I shut up and wait until my lease is up. It also means that I remain miserable and fall deeper into the skin of someone I’m not. Leaving, on the other hand, means that I failed miserably at something I desperately wanted for myself. Leaving means that I go home and face everyone I love and who loves me and supported me and show them that I couldn’t do it; that I’m weak and have become something less than they remember me as. It also means going back to the same place as a different person and I have no idea how I am going to deal with that. It also mean a possible clean start and a chance at figuring myself out. It may also mean finding peace within myself and not feeling empty anymore.

The next few days will prove to be daunting for me. I have no idea what I am going to do or how I am going to do it. Whatever decision I make will be accompanied by difficulty. I realize that either way I am going to lose a lot before I can win anything.

Peter Cotton Tail

So I’ve been seeing pictures and videos of giant German rabbits everywhere. I haven’t heard about them until recently. These rabbits are huge and they can grow to weigh up to 30 pounds which is the size of a small dog. Apparently North Korea wants to raise them to feed their country because they reproduce and grow quickly and you could eat almost every part of the rabbit. When I was a kid my dad and grandfather raised rabbits and I grew up eating rabbit meat  which is actually really good, high in protein and low in cholesterol. The story is much more involved but I just think they are awesome and I would definitely get one and keep it as a pet if I had an apartment with a yard. So anyways, I was at work looking them up and am just fascinated and wanted to share. Enjoy

EBERSWALDE, GERMANY – JANUARY 15:  Pensioner Karl Szmolinsky, who raises a breed of rabbits called giant grays, shows Robert, an 8.5kg giant grey who is 74cm long and has ears 25.5cm long, in the backyard of his house on January 15, 2006 in Eberswalde, Germany. In November Szmolinsky sold eight giant greys to a delegation from North Korea, whom he said want to raise the breed as a source of meat for the North Korean population. Szmolinsky said his rabbits reach a maximum weight of 10.5 kg (23.1lbs.).  (Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Karl Szmolinsky

Just another cup of tea

Today was an interesting day for me. I walked into m morning class and the first word I heard was ‘teabagging’. Well good morning.

Ok. Allow me to explain. I have a class entitled Variations in Human Sexuality, which is located in a theatre with about 400 students and my professor conducts his lectures with the help of a microphone and a huge projection screen. I attend SFSU which is an extremely diverse and tolerant environment that actively and openly promotes sexual health. Virtually nothing is off limits here. So as I stepped into class it didn’t really faze me as my professor casually discussed an article about teabagging and then began with the lecture.

Today was also HIV awareness day and the quad area had been filled with projects promoting condom use and sexual health. All projects are constructed out of different contraception methods and some were very creative, funny and hopefully effective. It’s an annual Latexhibition which not only promotes safe sex but also allows students to openly acknowledge and discuss different sexual messages and helps to reinforce the fact that you can you can literally obtain these forms of contraception anywhere. It’s also great because it helps people become comfortable with these issues. When one person stops to look at these images and messages the next person that comes alongside them may not feel as uncomfortable or self-conscious about stopping to take a look and it becomes a chain reaction. As a result you have thousands of people reading and processing this information and hopefully incorporating it into their lives. I think it’s great and only wish that I had more time to peruse the projects a bit longer.

          Well, today there also happened to be new student tours taking place. The campus seemed to be bombarded with parents and their fresh out of high school students who wanted to visit the campus and get a ‘feel’ for it, as they always say. So backing up a little bit, before I had a chance to get over to the quad and check out the Latexhibition I was at work and a prospective student and their parent came into our office and asked, “What the heck is going on out there today?”. A coworker of mine casually informed them it was HIV awareness day. “Oh,” she said with a disgruntled look on her face. I don’t want to delve into too much detail but I work for a department on campus and come into contact with overprotective, overbearing and concerned parents on the phone and in person every single day, so reactions like are no surprise to me. As I left work and walked to my next class I took a detour and checked out all of the projects that had been put on display and also checked out the reactions and expressions of parents. One parent walked by quickly and didn’t even attempt to acknowledge any of the projects sprawled out in front of him. Another, at the beginning of the path, took a look and began walking away while shaking her head. There were also many who actually took the time to look at the projects and enjoy them. At first I thought the reactions of the embarrassed parents were really funny but then realized that it was actually really upsetting to me.

          I am a Human Sexualities minor and have no problem discussing sex, sexual health, contraception, sex education and so forth. It’s become a normal part of my life as well as my studies. I have yet to have any problems discussing my opinions in regards to sexuality with my parents. Although I don’t share very personal or intimate details with them, I am constantly sharing what I learn and my views on sexual health and they listen (even though sometimes I sense that my dad is a bit uncomfortable). At first I thought the reason that I talk openly with them is because they’ve become accustomed to my open and frank attitude but now I have come to realize that they respect my opinions and I respect theirs because we are, after all, adults.

          When I saw the upset, embarrassed and confused parents it was upsetting to me because I realized that after being in such an open and tolerant environment I had forgotten that the rest of the country still has a long ways to go in terms of sexual health and responsibility. Our sexuality plays a vital role in every aspect of our lives whether it is our physical health, mental health, education, friendships, personal relationships, self-esteem, etc. We are all sexual beings from the moment we are born until moment we die and neglecting that is detrimental to our society, relationships and sexual health. As living, breathing, sexual beings we need to take responsibility for ourselves and our sexuality because it is an ongoing and ever-changing part of human nature. We are social beings and learn from one another so responsibility needs to be reinforced and not neglected because someone is just too embarrassed to talk about it or even look at a condom project.

          I could go on and discuss this all day because this is something that is important to me and I discuss topics similar to this one on a regular basis. I just really wanted to take a minute to reflect on the events that took place today and try to piece them together as best I could. I went from my professor discussing an article about teabagging to shocked and embarrassed parents observing the Latexhibition and this was all before I even had lunch. It has been an interesting day and one that I wish everyone could experience firsthand. It made me realize that I have taken for granted how lucky I am to live in such a culturally rich, diverse and tolerant environment where I have access to free health clinics and contraception with no questions asked and no judgment placed on me or the decisions I make.

 

Teabagging is a slang term for the act of a man placing his scrotum in the mouth^[1] or on or around the face (including the top of the head) of another person, often in a repeated in-and-out motion as in irrumatio. The practice vaguely resembles dipping a tea bag into a cup of tea.